I'm really not a fan of the direction my life seems once again to be slipping into...a continual rut that caused most of the problems I had last summer. I don't want to find myself back in that place. But I can't help but feel trapped. Stuck in this day to day grind that is not only unfulfilling, but makes me retreat to the same self-destructive behaviors I thought I'd overcome. The people I managed to cut from my life because of those behaviors are starting to be the same kind of people I'm again surrounding myself with. I find myself afraid to be alone anymore...because I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to ignore certain cravings on my own. I don't know the last time I've felt like this. But it has to stop.
I decided today to fix these problems. I know I have a really strong (if somewhat overbearing) supportive family, and even if I can't tell them all exactly why I'm feeling how I'm feeling, and why I'm making the decisions I'm making, they will be there to back me up...to help me if I again fall.
And this time, I have a wonderfully supportive boyfriend to turn to, though many of my addictive behaviors and problems are mirrored in him, I feel that together we can overcome many of the mini-battles we're fighting constantly within ourselves. I know that I couldn't even begin to get things back together without his help and love.
There are a lot of changes happening in my life right now.
I just hope I can make them all for the better. And stop this recurring pattern of self-destruction before I mess up again...