6.15.2009

An Epiphany.

I'm really not a fan of the direction my life seems once again to be slipping into...a continual rut that caused most of the problems I had last summer. I don't want to find myself back in that place. But I can't help but feel trapped. Stuck in this day to day grind that is not only unfulfilling, but makes me retreat to the same self-destructive behaviors I thought I'd overcome. The people I managed to cut from my life because of those behaviors are starting to be the same kind of people I'm again surrounding myself with. I find myself afraid to be alone anymore...because I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to ignore certain cravings on my own. I don't know the last time I've felt like this. But it has to stop.

I decided today to fix these problems. I know I have a really strong (if somewhat overbearing) supportive family, and even if I can't tell them all exactly why I'm feeling how I'm feeling, and why I'm making the decisions I'm making, they will be there to back me up...to help me if I again fall.

And this time, I have a wonderfully supportive boyfriend to turn to, though many of my addictive behaviors and problems are mirrored in him, I feel that together we can overcome many of the mini-battles we're fighting constantly within ourselves. I know that I couldn't even begin to get things back together without his help and love.

There are a lot of changes happening in my life right now.
I just hope I can make them all for the better. And stop this recurring pattern of self-destruction before I mess up again...

2 comments:

T.Allen-Mercado said...

You're in my thoughts. I was in a similar sounding place last year; dealing with perpetual anger, poor decision-making, unhealthy relationships, perpetual anger... *spins wheel again*. I'm pleased to report all of the pain of tearing myself away from bad habits and toxic networks has paid off in a big way. It is possible, I wish you peace and strength.

Jennifer said...

I believe in you too! You can do it day by day. It's tough...It sounds like you understand the source and how to pull away from the old stuff. I feel that too alot lately and for whatever reason it feels more like a battle this time. Anyway, this post so hits home. Big hugs to you!